Like a lot of you out there, I have a Mother who is now 87 and has just moved from her warden assisted flat to a nursing care home as her mental and physical health mean she is not able to look after herself any longer, and at the moment she is in hospital,  and when I saw her today it made my heart weep.  Her bladder infection has led to her dementia getting much worse and while she is on the antibiotics she is somewhere else completely.  When she comes to be well enough to leave the hospital, her condition has now deteriorated so fast that the care home is now not suitable so she is moving into a nursing home, and this will be her last move.

She was in bed and  very distressed - staring out of unseeing eyes that do not seem to focus,  grabbing with her hands at anything and everything close - ie: the bars at the side of the hospital bed had been put up to keep her in bed as she kept sliding out and staggering up the ward - and it is quite a distressing site for many to witness - and she is chattering away - with words that do not follow any cohesive sense and while she knew my name and - kind of - that I was her son -  all sorts of other family members names came into it and I don't really think she knew me, and this was a first.  Her confused state of mental health was awful to witness. 

My Mother - a bright, intelligent fashion model who was one of London's top models in the 1940's  and 1950's and who also sang with many famous dance bands for she had a superb voice - and who raised 3 children,  is now reduced to this. 

A tall proud women with a voice and an opinion of her own and no fear of speaking her mind,- a woman who was married 3 times during her life and who put up with a lot,- a woman who has lived alone for over 20 years since my Step Father died and who lost her only daughter ( my sister ) and her baby ( my niece ) 18 years ago when both died a few months apart ,-  a women who has always been accepting of my gay lifestyle and who loved my friends and boyfriends even if not being as accepting of my brothers wife - always being a dreadful mother-in-law and a women who all those 'mother-in-law jokes'  must have been written about,-  and a woman who has been stubborn, difficult and sometimes a women who would make the angels cry because GOD she could NEVER admit fault and take responsibility and simply apologize and a woman who has caused much family turmoil because of her refusal - point blank refusal - to ever accept that she was ever wrong about anything - and a woman who admitted to me some years ago that she had never been in love - never really knew what love was and that - despite being married 3 times and raising a family,  had never really understood what that mysterious word 'love' - had meant - and while in her way she has loved and has been loved, she never really comprehended what it meant, and for that, I feel desperately sorry. 

Sorry that she never understood how we - her children - felt about her and sorry that she always felt the need to - somehow - try and manipulate the situation to suit herself all the time.  Sad that she  never realised we would do whatever she wanted because we loved her and not because she was being manipulative.  Sad that she always thought every situation was about her  and sad that she felt such jealously and resentment towards anyone who 'stole her limelight' - even her own grandchildren.  Sad that she resented her son being a sensational husband and father to his children and sad that she felt such resentment towards those who had something she felt she had lost out on, when the truth was - she hadn't - for she was loved - she was very cared for - and while she never understood this and while she felt alone and unloved,  other people were hurt and betrayed by her time and time again because she simply didn't get it.  She never really understood,-  and that saddens me. 

Poor Betty - my poor Mother,  and as much as we have told her over the years and as much as we have openly shown our affection and considered her in our lives - she still never got it - never realised and never allowed herself to be part of the family - preferring to isolate herself and say that she wasn't wanted all the time when the exact opposite was the truth, and we just got fed up with it. 

Now to see her this way,  saddens me.   For whatever it was she lost - and whatever it was she lacked - and for all her mistakes and all her selfish ways,  she is my Mother, I love her dearly, and no-one - NO -ONE - should be put through this kind of thing at the end of their lives and the cruelty metered out by a government and health authority  SO AGAINST EUTHANASIA beggars belief.  My Mother would not have wanted this,  and with a society where 80% of people asked agree that euthanasia is the best thing in some situations such as this,  I pray she will not suffer longer than necessary and where she can be with my sister, her family and Jesus - in peace - soon.

I love her too much to allow anything else to happen to her.